Aria Persei

Filtering ❣ On the way to Remembrance
 

From codependency, blind compassion and entitlement to a more interconnected and mature way to relate to reality

Savior complex, people-pleasing and victimhood consciousness: confronting shadows as a way to open new doors for relating to reality

A few years ago, Saturn Return came and cracked my whole reality open, my perceptions about myself and others and my way of relating to the world. Looking back, I can see how my higher self had embushed my terrestrial identity for a big initiation coming from all angles: family, relationships, romantic life, ancestry and life purpose. To this day, those years were the darkest hours of my life, the time were I internally felt the most emotional, spiritual and psychic suffering. Looking back, it’s exactly because it hurt so much that it allowed me to go through such an eclosion of spiritual blossoming. Exhausted by the battle, I turned into something greater than myself, prayed and committed to do the work, without derailing from integrity and self honest inquiry. And it paid off.

I used to be confused by the contradictory messages I was receiving: on the one hand, what others people were presenting as the truth, on the other hand, what my body was trying to let me know. In the end, my mind would win the battle and find a logic explanation, ruling over my body who was more and more silenced and numb. I couldn’t see how I developped myself to be someone who was pleasing others and letting them overpower me, in the perpetual game of domination and energy exchange. I couldn’t see how my attitude was too receptive, too passive. I couldn’t see how I had lost the grip of being actively who I am. It appears clear to me now, how I was bending energy as I was searching for external love, validation and recognizion. The real challenge for my recovery was to find a way out of the famous drama triangle Persecutor-Rescuer-Victim. I was hunted in my psyche by loops of thoughts connected to the victimhood frequency. It took me time to understand how and why I was a vibrational match for perpetrators, trace the areas where I was giving up on my own responsibility and where I had prostituted my own Truth and values.

So, I turned into a detective to understand why no matter where I would go, I would always end up left with a feeling of injustice, feeling like an object not worth of any love. Why my experience of reality was so limited and why my ideals would stay out of reach. I could sometimes feel like the frequency or thoughts I was finding myself in didn’t have an exit door and that would be my best indicator to indicate me that something was needed to be done to walk through this blindness. Nowadays, I can see how the alien hidden forces enjoy very much to pair truth seekers with deeply wounded individuals, influencing thoughts at the moment of entering the relationship and neutralizing the truth seeker for a while in terms of energy and time which gets vacuumed by the dynamic of the relationship.

One by one, I started to make decisions to remap my own wiring from codependence to more interdependence, and cease bonding based on conditional love where I would have to give up a part of my vital energy. I stopped ways of numbing and escaping myself, including drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, râpé, food stimulants (including salt, coffee, green tea, matcha and cacao). All these substances did help me to cope with life at some point but a path of soberty was presenting itself to me. It was time to come back to my body sensations and awareness, with increasing awareness of everything that triggers me. The real work was starting.

I learned that projecting hatred, destruction or unresolved deep suffering outwards gives a sense of temporary relief. I realised how the ones who are projecting have been lacking to feel what unconditionnal love feels like. My upgringing was far from perfect but beyond my parents limitations and programming, I have been initiated to the sanity of being greatly loved by my 2 parents. Accessing a place of understanding for the perpetrators has been one of the most difficult exercice of my life. From time to time, I would reach an epiphany and a space of compassion. What I wanted was a permanent knowing engrammed deep within my cells. But my body was still remembering the post traumatic choc. There was no bypass to release and set free the memory of the experience from the cells. It would take time.

These life confrontations have been a powerful opportunity of evolution, an invitation to get to know my own wiring better, observe what triggers me, clean my body vessel, align with my morals and soul mission, learn about my physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries and walk away from people-pleasing patterns. It has also been the chance to learn to watch the hidden motivation behind every action or thought and to be more discerning. Resentment and rumination vanished. Everyday I am left seeing a little more how it has never been about me. As it becomes less and less personal, I am tuning more and more to the collective energetic battle. My personal story is disintegrating. Nonetheless, I know that fear is still by my side, it is the fear to experience more suffering. My body still remembers. And I see in details of my life, that are far from being details, that my unconscious is still leading the way for me to access deeper layers of the healing lessons.

Two sides of the polarity within the infinite spectrum

Nowadays, I find people pleasing disorders as difficult to deal with as narcissic disorders: it’s because it’s one of the same, only on different sides of the spectrum, on polar opposites, especially the saviour complex that tries to make other people feel better about themselves, when they come from a place of narcissic wounding, to fill the hole of the bleeding wound. This is a bend of the cold sharp truth about the world and ourselves, this is a projection of delusion. Both polarities distort reality, both are projections of unresolved trauma and are equally not representative of the Truth. I know very well, because I am coming from that side of the spectrum and these people used to make me feel better about myself because of my own narcissic wounding. Now it’s my whole body who wants to exit the room in their presence, though I am always tending to vote for the compassionate stand. I have learned to think about it twice when I feel this desire to make someone feel better about themselves. Where does that need come from? If I look close enough, it always has something to tell me about my own wounding. What most people don’t realize is that they are run by a program of unconscious hierarchy that bends reality, making them look down on to another from a place of unconscious wounding, using knowledge or authority as they move forward to protect themselves. That’s seriously in the way from pure communication and true healing. Looking back, I realise how I was equally deluded as the ones suffering from what many call « narcissic disorder ». The fact that they were all around me in my life was just revealing the level of my spiritual evolution, which was equally bended in many ways and equally filled with self serving programming which was disguised as service to others. Frequency though absolutely can’t lie.

Deconstructing the feeling of entitlement linked to the victimhood frequency

One of the greatest initiations on Earth will be the one with extremely damaged souls. How to exit the dynamics and drama triangle victim/savior/persecutor and walk towards maturity and spiritual adulthood ? Tracing the Shadow Victim within ourselves isn’t easy or evident, especially at first. It first starts with stopping to look outside of oneself for confort, support or feeling of empowerment. It continues with the realisation that the loss of power happens from within and that there is no one else to blame. Never.

I realised no matter where I would have gone, I would have been facing the same kind and variations of scenarios. Something was so sticky deep inside my cellular memory, something that was reminiscent of centuries of abuse from generations to generations and the history of the human race in slavery. Our times are not a time to be naive and ignorant, it’s a time to shield up and connect with the warrior within.

It takes a day to day education to learn to see perpetrators with new glasses, see the stories through new angles, understand the teaching lessons hidden under the surface of the visible. Perpetrators are unconsciously projecting their childhood dramas and biased judgments about themselves onto one another, including their worthlessness and feeling of inadequacy. It is up to us to become actors of our own destinies instead of victims of it. The perpetrators as the victims are masters at feeding the plague of victimhood. They easily appear to be victims for the untrained eyes. Their sense of grandiosity inevitably comes from a deeply buried shame, it is only a cover-up that is meant to compensate their unconscious sense of inferiority.

The need to create a dynamic of power, to feed from someone’s else hurt, is not only feeding the perpetrator, but also invisible forces feeding from human despair and emotions of a similar frequency. As soon as a dynamic of power, a hierarchy, is created, a disbalance happens and no real encounter based on equality can take place. However, it’s only in a place of balance and equality that a complete healing can happen. Highly advanced spiritual practicioners won’t use any form of authority that is confered by their skills to gain power over someone else. They are confident in their own selves and don’t need to play the game of division any longer.

The negation of one’s needs, being neglected as a toddler will lead to codependent distorsion which can manifest on various spectrum of the polarity: both side learns to feed off from external inputs, some become people pleasers and adapt in taking care of others, others learn to play the martyrs, others never develop skills of empathy and stay stuck in an arrested development. I thought taking responsibility for someone else was responsible. It isn’t. The shift of responsibility, the savior complex or the game of blame all create distorsion. I had to learn about when, if and how it’s right to intervene in someone’s life and what equality is about, outside of these dynamics of power. There is a difference of frequency and intention between a generous unconditional action and an attempt at rescuing. Authentic help is without expectation for reciprocation. It is empowering and encouraging self responsibility instead of dependency for those who are being assisted.

After physically and spiritually closing the door to unnourrishing and unfulfilling relationships, I went through countless psychic attacks trying to take advantage of the wounded victim within me, inherited from many generations before me and from a distorted way of seeing the world. These forces would feed from my disempowered state and would try to keep me in a very low frequency loop thought. For some time, it wasn’t easy to overcome. Parts of the intense ruminations were coming from the emotional invalidation from my own perceptions while in the relationships, the trauma from gaslighting, which is a very widespread form of mind-control. I was conscious I was holding on to resentment for what I thought were betrayals and cruelty, but which were in fact the projections of unconscious trauma. In a lot of situations, I would feel it was unfair, injust. Feeling entitled for something (weither it is respect, validation or reparation), anything, is revealing the victimhood frequency in ourselves. I remember feeling a great deal of distorted empathy when confronted to stories of people who were treated poorly by life and who always ended up being victims of something. I wanted to grow out of the victim frequency so this story would have no hold on me any longer. Denial, guilt and shame, the fear to be witnessed as doing a mistake in the form of experiment, are keeping us entrapped.

Would you believe it, but I am grateful for all these experiences. I wouldn’t change a thing. I have learned a lot from people suffering from narcissic woundings in my life. I have discovered my own narcissic woundings in the opposite range of the polarity. I took my naive glasses off and I started to see the world more as it is instead of the projection I had of it. I learned about real compassion which differs from blind compassion, and how to manage my emphatic abilities. We become more empowered while we develop a wiser compassion. I learned what it means to have firm boundaries, weither they are spiritual, physical or emotional. I learned about expressing, naming and calling out distorsion. I understood the necessity to reconnect to my body intelligence and its infinite technology. These interactions have been a very fruitful soil for me to grow. My quest has revealed to me how fractured the human mind is and how widespread is the mind-control. This led me to the subject of world psycopathy, hidden networks of pedophilia and child sacrifices. I understand how trauma is transfered from generations to generations, fracturing humankind and leading them to the most atrocious and unfathomable dehumanising actions.

On the road of integrity I also have seen my popularity and exterior validation decreases as I am aligning more with my inner truth and as I have moved out of many codependent patterns. I know ways I could get more approbation and external validation, I just am not interested to act upon this knowledge. I feel more whole inside of me. There is no other way to go. I extensively worked on excavating the wounding of unworthiness, not feeling recognized, seen or heard. I am tracing my thought patterns and I identify which scenario is being played again in my life and in my head. I have learned not to listen to the open wound. Many people can’t see me where I am at, because of where they are at. It doesn’t have anything to do with me. I am not less or more if I am more validated or more publicly recognized. One can only see the depth they have explored.

What matters is what we feel is important for us to give birth to today even if it doesn’t make sense for others. I learned that my soul family comes one by one into my life, and they never come from the predicable angles. It’s like a spiral of cosmic mathematics. It’s not possible to make a cube fit in a round hole shape form. I am moving out of these patterns to go and adventure in unknown territories where history doesn’t have to repeat.

The necessity to move from blind compassion to a more integrated heart centered way of living

I had quite a naive vision of compassion before coming to terms with reality and being in direct contact with narcissic and psychopatic disorders. What an initiation. It guided me to sharpen my idea of compassion, from blind compassion to a more integrated understanding of it. The first big revelation is that we are not wired all the same. Some tend to exploit interpersonal relationships and be very deceitful. These beings live with painful beliefs about the world, others and themselves. Now, there is a difference between broken souls who have experienced trauma and psychopaths by birth who have no genetic disposition to feel empathy. Indeed, not everyone is meant to access the highest forms of the human experience. Both categories become really good to hide beneath a mask of sanity. They are addicted to power and fame. When humans start to classify other groups of humans as subhumans, the door is open for more violence and genocide. Nowadays people with emphatic skills are being held away from positions of power, as recruitment is focused on the selection of the most psychopathic features through psychological tests. It has become necessary for the controllers to be able to spot psychopatic qualities within candidates, finding the chosen ones because not every average man or woman will accept to act cold bloodedly, but certain bloodlines will certainly do.

As children, we are constantly gaslighted, by our parents, by teachers, by adults all around us who have too suffered from being gaslighted constantly on this planet. Gaslighting is being manipulated by psychological means into doubting our own sanity. We lose touch with our inner radar, our body, the one that indicates us what rings true and upright and what does not.

My upbringing, my exposure to mind control and my empathic ability to tune into someone’s else field have predisposed me to be very responsive to perpetrators. Repetitively, I have been able to track the trauma back to the mother root and way beyond, feeling the fracture of the mother, feeling the hole left in the space of the heart, feeling the absence of real love they had to grow with. And the mothers had suffered the same fracture and lack of love. And so it goes. Sometimes, the resolution has to be found by walking away. It took me a while to understand how trauma works with the projection of unresolved hatred, self-destruction or arrested development. I was trying to connect with the perpetrators, not seeing them for who they are, broken souls who are being vectors of forces greater than themselves. There is no point to expect a compassionate attitude from there.

When we can see both sides of the polarity operating, there is a possibility to transform the situation by seeing beyond the polarised state, reaching a space of neutral yet compassionate witnessing. Every year, a new layer of comprehension is added to the experience of this exposure. Today I am almost totally free from this story, except from some recurrent PTSD. It is a journey away from victimhood which is so engrammed in human history to creatorship and a world of new possibilities. Accessing a place of understanding for the perpetrators has been one of the most difficult exercice of my life.

My story is getting less and less personal. It came with the necessary education about the world psychopathy and a more hyperdimensional perspective that reveals how the ones who appear to be perpetrators are fragmented mind-controlled victims of the system, or other times soulless humans, but that’s another story. Being able to feel empathy for an other has a massive impact on what one will choose to do or abstain to be doing, because of the emotional consequences that are felt when someone suffers. Some amongst us don’t have to face their own shame. Anything is valid in order for them to get what they want. They have no sense of boundaries as they don’t have to feel the emotional consequences of their actions, their range of experience is very limited. Remorse is a safe-guarding feeling. A true intimate relationship sees both parties being the safe-guarder of another shadow, trying to keep away from judgement and denial, holding space for the wounding of the other person. Further than humane concept of compassion, there is divine compassion from which guilt, shame and sin are absent.

Learning to moderate what I share with whom was a necessary step. I learned to recognize, where is it a safe space for me to express? I learned to scan for emotional skills within others. And when I am not sure, I observe some more. Betrayal is an opportunity for a deep initiation. Some time soon, humanity won’t need to learn in that much suffering. There are initiations that we need to go through and that are linked to the history of Planet Earth, a planet where deception, distorsion, counterfeit and polarity have been installed by artificial means. There is a hidden alchemical path, where nothing has to be forgiven. It only takes a handful of souls to change the course of humanity.

 

 

 

 

 

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